Meanwhile, on pilgrimage

"Hey, let's send one of these things to Bob Cratchit back at the office."

Early Castro

The gay scene on the West Coast had a rather primitive tint to it at first.

Presented without comment

I'll take the elephant hook, and one of those horse heads...

It is not well known, but the ancient Egyptians' taste in sex toys tended to be in the kinkier range, as evidenced in this advertisement from the Temple of Karnak.

Mmmm, foamy!

It was never a pleasant job, but Gunderson knew that if he wanted cow-shit beer in the fall, he had to turn the crop every other week.

Making the sale

"Sure, you can hit that drover from here, but if you want to be able to smack that castle, you're going to want to upgrade to the Blenheim S-450x."

Revenge is a dish best served cod

"Hey, sweetie, I brought you some flowers!" Dion yelled.  As soon as that bitch came out of the house, he thought, he was going to fish-slap her so hard...

You think you've got it bad...

Every day it was the same thing, the eagle thought, just more entrails.  Christ, couldn't they at least once let him have the liver?

Amor

"Hey, babe, look out here—I'm dressed like Cupid like you said, naked with wings and arrows—it's weird being... let me in now?  Why are you taking a photo of me?  Are you going to date me now or not?"

Cave Lacertum

Though he was kept chained up, the demon lizard Robbie insisted on keeping in the front yard had already chewed off the legs of several passersby.

"And that's not my finger..."

Johannes, tripping balls, suddenly became aware that the staff in his hand felt alive.  He caressed it with care, overcome with a connection that was, eventually, orgasmic.

Meanwhile, on the farm...

Having fucked all the kine senseless, Johannes sat back to enjoy the lightning storm.  Damn, those were good shrooms—and he still had two more!

Firespinning: the early days

Early poi were time-consuming to prepare: dead geese swung by their necks, lit by handheld pots of fire.  And doing it stoned was just foolhardy.

Trails... I see trails...

"Let's see—you licked him here, so you should be feeling the effects right about... ah, there you go."

Works and days

Helga was known for her work in providing dildos and sangria to the children of the working poor.

Attack of the drones

Sheila awoke to find herself being fondled by a veritable squad of drones.

Meanwhile, at Burning Man...

One of the odder camps on the Playa was the feminist performance piece, "Hey, my nectarines are up here!"

Clients, amirite?

Gervais tried to convince le Duc that a straight drive through parkland would be the most appropriate, but the nobleman insisted on a raised and winding road, and so the workman started carting away centuries of topsoil.

Progress in crime and punishment

"And so you see, my dear, when I give the signal, my assistant will pull the lever, the counterweight will fall, and we can hang two dozen of the filthy wretches at a time, even more if they're children."

Though he be but little...

Yezekael was a nasty little fucker, always running around naked and grabbing ladies' tits.

Hildegard the Mad

Hildegard wasn't queen of shit—she just crazy.

Simplicity.

Moo.

Little known disabilities

Téodor suffered from Ótakar's Tourette's, which forced him—at any time and any place—to do the Hokey-Pokey.

Vissa d'arte

The opera scene in Europe was just getting weirder and weirder.

Meanwhile, in Antwerp

"Oh honey," cackled Katje, "you'll have to go to Brussels if you need ben-wa balls bigger than these."

Our Lady of the Brazilian

Each year the villagers' pageant about the reasons for keeping their public hair neatly trimmed became more and more elaborate as well as more metaphorical.

(Sorry for the unannounced hiatus last week.  Vacations happen.)

Damn clowns

"Ha!" thought Cecelia.  "If they thought neutral mask work was creepy before..."

Handy with his hands

Hephaistos found that making sex dolls was not as easy as he had hoped.

On tour

Orpheus on a set break.

Varieties of Religious Experience, illustrated

After the acid kicked in, Phokas' head may have been obliterated, but he could fucking play that horn.

Back in Arcadia...

Daphne found that there were drawbacks to being a tree, not the least of which was the Aeolian twins' gag about "Hey, Daphne, wanna blow job?"

[Pedant alert: I am fully aware that Daphne was transformed into a laurel, which is evergreen.  Bite me.)

Meanwhile in the Netherlands

Ignaas was pretty sure that you couldn't catapult boats to the Rhine, but he invested in Martel's scheme anyway.

Most High

Most people don't know this, but St. Xavier kept a lit censor under his robes, right under his roach clip.  Ready to blaze, he was.

One day in Babylonia

"And then I says to him, I says, what about a cock for a cock, eh, Hammurabi? Code my ass! Bastard di'n't have much to say after that, did he?"

And then he drowned

Billy Argos had had dreams—bad dreams—and he'd heard the mermaids singing.  Ew.

Feed me!

Seymour and Audrey's twins were about as unprepossessing as one might expect.

There's got to be a morning after

After a night of meth and Molly, Sauron was feeling it, and fuck if he hadn't lost his ring somewhere.

That would explain the itching.

Trixie's pelvic exam revealed that a colony of aggressive yeasts had fortified themselves against attack inside her vagina.

Metamorphoses

All in all, Iapheth mused, being turned into a monkey was fine with him as long as he got to suck on Ishtar's fine, fine titties.

When love hurts

"Fuck, Cupid, that fucked up!"

Marketing misfires

New rapper Mos Tavrvs never knew that his art director had sabotaged his debut album with a title track that everyone but Mos knew meant "Shut the fuck up."

Lift that knee!

God's workouts were hell, but Thaddeus had to admit his ass had never looked better.

The Babylonian Bondage

Haggai was finding it difficult to remember that the safe word was "Hammurabi."

New horizons

Clarissa was wary when Demetrius showed her the new toy he had brought, but "in for a penny in for a pound" was her motto.

Branching out

Brayden was a vanilla kind of boy, so he had no idea what to expect when a furry invited him home.  But he adapted quickly.

The grave's a fine and private place

"Look, I'm sorry I made the boner joke, OK?"

On the Playa

Meanwhile, over at Camp Team Bad Idea...

Sad beings, Part III

Sadder still, Felicia's wombat only stayed with her for the drugs.

Sad beings, part II

Felicia was a bitter, bitter old woman, but she loved her wombat.

Shame about Billy's eyes...

In planning for his seventh birthday party, Timmy's mom never considered that a fireworks-filled piñata might be problematic.